is it too hard to stare into the sun
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Monday, August 9, 2004
i am updating a journal! so maybe they won't somehow delete it or use it to advertise real estate. okay, updates in general, starting from the furthest in the past
read a ton of books
wrote one comic, and a half!
wrote some short comics
watched a lot of dvds (simpsons, family guy)
ate taco bell pretty much everyday
played mario golf
at various points spent time with my lady love sarah
drank
smoked
played games (of course)
downloaded a copy of radiant silvergun that i am obsessed with!
oh, and i worked fabulous fireworks! it wasn't as bad this year because i'm afraid that i am used to going to work everday by now. crap.
i might start updating this more often, but i just said the other day that i hated journals and i'll probably get guff for this. oh well.
Friday, May 7, 2004
i can't face up to yin and yang and it's the first time in a long time. proabably about a year. I don't understand what fuels anyone unless they are the same things that fuel me. I always have to look at things in terms of facts and figures. I have to ask questions and get to the root of things but when feelings are invovled I have a hard time understanding.
I can't help by remain objective.
I can ijagine wars and feuds leading back generations.
Everyone who has ever lived has gotten what they deserved and when i tell myself that I am almost sure of it.
I hate it when my heart beats hard, it does it sometimes without any provoking and i can see my shirt move with the give and take but other times I know why and I hate it. I wish tehre wasn't anything inside of me that let me know it was there.
My mind isn't even seething now. I bet this hardly sounds like me. I gave up the simpsons for this. I see love in the words of other men and it has never seemed so simple and
peole are addicted to tv and I think it emulates life and then life imititates it because there is never a need for anything so base to be so complicated.
an object at rest stays at rest
don't ever forget that. it's true of humans to.
Thursday, May 6, 2004
i just finished connecting with a new book. it is the book that inspired the song killing an arab by the cure. i liked it a lot. i finished it at work. work has become the most taxing chore of all time. I do nothing all day and i have to be on my feet and I can't read all that much. I deal with it though. It just means I have to start writing more. I still have everyone, don't worry it probably includes you. Somtimes I hate this city and I don't know anyone who has made really good friends here (my own opinion i assure you, there are plenty of people out there willing to fool themselves). I hate the way peope look at each other and walk around. They have no idea what they are. I have been reading books about what the difference between humans and computers are.
A list of required reading
Battle Angel Alita
Ghost in the Shell
Brave New World
The Stranger
The Rules of Attraction (don't call anyone a townie you fuck!)
Demonic Males
Lolita
Maybe these will help you, and I don't even think that most people realize they are that anymore.
I have a will, I can stop and think, and I can question myself. I thnk that's what makes us human.
and I'd laugh if you told me that most people were human.
I love a robot once so hard and I feel for it and it looked and felt real like i could hold it we all saw how that worked out
i have a tattoonow tha has to represent everything that i think means anything and people lose sight. People forget what epicurus said
2 millenium ago
you figure people would learn more quickly
i smoke becaue i'm sure my grandfather did. and it did him well. I figure people have been smoking and drinking and snorting cocain for thousands of years and we haven't died out yet. you can't fight eventuality.
fuck fuck fuck i loved a teenage robot
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
2:33AM
they are all long days and suprisingly the also lead into long nights.
Saturday, March 20, 2004
6:13PM
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DRUNK
(_) I NEVER HAVE SMOKED POT
(_) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(x) I NEVER HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(x) I NEVER CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(x) I'VE NEVER BEEN TO JAPAN
(_) I NEVER RODE IN A TAXI
(_) I NEVER HAD ANAL SEX
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN IN LOVE
(_) I NEVER HAD SEX
(_) I NEVER HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN DUMPED
(_) I NEVER SHOPLIFTED
(_) I NEVER HAVE BEEN FIRED
(_) I NEVER BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
(x) I NEVER HAD A THREESOME
(_) I NEVER SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(_) I NEVER BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(_) I NEVER BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING
(_) I NEVER PISSED ON MYSELF
(_) I NEVER HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(_) I NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
(x) I NEVER MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(_) I NEVER STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(x) I NEVER CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIME SQUARE
(x) I NEVER WENT ON A BLIND DATE
(_) I NEVER LIED TO A FRIEND
(_) I NEVER HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(x) I NEVER CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS
(x) I NEVER BEEN TO EUROPE
(_) I NEVER SKIPPED SCHOOL
(_) I NEVER SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER (depending on what exactly a co-worker is)
(_) I NEVER CUT MYSELF ON PURPOSE
(_) I NEVER HAD SEX AT THE OFFICE
(x) I'VE NEVER BEEN MARRIED
(x) I'VE NEVER BEEN DIVORCED
(_) I NEVER HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON WITHIN THE SAME WEEK
(x) I NEVER HAVE POSED NUDE
(X) I NEVER GOT SOMEONE DRUNK JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM
(_) I'VE NEVER KILLED ANYONE OR ANYTHING
(x) I NEVER HAD A FACIAL (LOL FIGURE THIS ONE OUT
(_) I NEVER HAD ORAL SEX
(x) I NEVER RECEIVED SCARS FROM MY SEX PARTNER
(x) I NEVER HAVE COMMITTED A FELONY
(x) I NEVER WENT TO AN ANIME CONVENTION
(x) I NEVER ATE A WHOLE BOX OF TWINKIES
(X) I'VE NEVER PLAYED FRISBEE GOLF
(_) I NEVER CHOKED SOMEONE UNTIL THEY PASSED OUT
add one pass it on
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
it consumes me and it's hard not to laugh at it. what more could i ever want than to be filled with rage froever. I am never more at pleasure gesticulating and screaming, in my own little world of fervor. I am sick of bleeding hearts and wrought emotions. I thikn it's what holds us back and we are returning to it. Nobody knows what romance really is, and we swallow it like so many spoonfulls of sugar to make it go down.
I do have it burning in me to hate all music when i have never seen anything worthwhile in my eyes. it's a ballon ready too pop. and for god's sake i don't want to be the needle i just want to be so far away when someone finally gets up the nerve to do it. I can't stand to be nothing more than a screamer, and if i thought the world was ready for a new philosophy i would bring it to them but i know that things aren't near ready for anyone to take control yet. Everyone is really content the way they are, even if they are unhappy it is a contentness as well. Even if you hate Bush, you are content in knowing that you are fighting him right?
This town holds nothing for me? What has chicago ever had that i couldn't give myself, i came here for experience and got that, all inside my mind. I am sick of all that is midwestern sometimes, like chicago, how bland and how it trys so hard to be something it isn't. I have to be on the more, next summer is it. If that doesn't work that i'm pretty srue the only option is to kill myself or others, unless i deide to go on some "meds" like the rest of the blind world ready to cut out the problems like an unwanted friend from a picture.
I think that if our society had been building towards something I would be okay.
Sometimes this thought croses my mind, but not often because I don't think that people even know any other way to be. It's hard for me to be able to see the box but to have no way out of it, otehrwise I'll die.
I also think that the only way out of the box is to die.
to break through that last thick wall of that damn box, and see what is beyond that.
but all i can believe in is electricity and it's so violent and so am I and anyone who thinks they are gentle or should be, should die. Everyone I see and consider close to me has that fire and wants to get rid of it and spit it in someone else's face. well except one person...but that is but shadows and puppets.
I am going to cross post this.
Current mood: other Current music: actually...it's the minibosses
Sunday, February 22, 2004
because i don't believe in it
i believe in chemical reactions
and memes
making me try to believe that people are interested in what i talk about. it's all the same for everyone just some people talk back in a similar vein.
finding myself hating music for all it has become and hating everyone who feels passion but no substance.
classically untalented and loving every minute of it and they won't stop
and i can't make them change
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
5:05PM
hey dere, how's it going? i'm still alive, i dont' really keep a journal anymore. sometimes i do. i am working on a project of sorts.
i live in chicago now, it doesn't really matter where does it?
it's pretty fun up here, but i'm home for christmas now.
anyone want to do anything besides punch me?
Friday, October 10, 2003
i'm back home for the weekend i think. hopefully going to get to see sarah. that will be good times.
and yes, i am a criminal, but what is a crime without prosecution?
i want to write what has happened in my life in the last year up until the move but i am way to lazy and i was just saying hi to everyone and letting everyone know i'm okay because i know a lot of people are concerned about that.
Thursday, September 18, 2003
i would like to just drive and listen to death cab for cutie.....
hey so how is everybody doing? i'm having a grand old time riding the train and looking at the beauty that is the chicago public library. oh what a time we live in .
i can't get a library card though damnit.
that's all pretty much....
i'm not sure of my address or phone number right now so that will have to wait until later....
oh and who was it who posted anonymously in my journal again? I have a lot of people who hold grudges against me so tell me who you are. you can e-mail me if you feel safer.
Thursday, September 4, 2003
i wnat a song that's uptempo but doesn't real;ly suck and is horribly simple
i live in a new new age....i don't know a good name for it...
okay?
the other kids probably have a good name for it already somerthing that could be listed in some magazine that i'll never buy
the bhorrible river runs through it....connecting all these crummy states of different emotions everyone seems to be driving at all these ideas and getting nowhere near them
i can only believe what i see.
it's
why i want to go to haunted graveyards...or fly into outerspace on a hoverboard. i can't believe any of this. all these ideas spew out of peoples mouths trying to be validated but they might as well talk about elvis coming back and using a jetpack to find saddam hussein and killing him with a bazooka.
it's all just as real.
it all make sjust as much sense as anything else that i have heard said. i realize i'm nuts....quiet crazy. keepin it to myself keepin it real taking only what is givine to me and hearing only the words that are spoken and nothing underneath it because i don't know how deep it would run. i can't deal with it because then people can have control over me if they are making me think cerrtainj things thatare between the linhes because then i could be wrong. why can't people say what they mean? because they dont' want anyone to know. they want to stand in a coerner and smoke a fucking cigareete
and talk about the
goddamn crow
flys at midhight you dumb fuck
and you think it's so profounhd you write a book about it and he's the new damn james joyce and i'm here screaming bmy brains out and what he's acutally saying and i get nothing i
there are no books and no discussions. i won't change my mind and everyone hates that.
i am an asshole
but who isn't i've never met anyone who was a better person than me
and i don't mean that i'm better than them...we're all equal in our insanity all assholes to ourselves or other making way for the new age of assholes becAUSE ALL WE CAN TEACH THEM IS ALL WE KNOW
WE CAN'T TEACH THEM the crazy things that we want to believe but have to proof. at least the religious right has some sort of bizarre proof. iit's the most sensible thing i've ever heard.
shout out to me if you even read this
but i'm sure i'll only hear from jez
Sunday, August 24, 2003
12:36PM
i can feel my stomach twisting empty inside. i would rather do anything than live like this. i haven't been in a fight in way to long. i want someone to finally challenge me, to have me show them what i'm really worth. I want them to know how much acid i can spit i don't even know what happened...
has a butterfly ever changed from itself into something uglier? has it ever gone back into it's cacoon and came out black as tar and filled with lust and hate. having trouble telling the difference.
my leg will not stop pounding, it wants to be doing something besides sitting but my mind ahs to run itself out, break it's casing and run itself dry until it's metal on mettle.
you never badmouth me, and i am as good as my family so if you utter a word against my family i'll kill you.
more complacent morons. i do believe things could work if the people who seemeed politically involved also cared about fashion...if they cared about anything. i want to get out there and make a difference just to show people that it could be done. i have always wanted to be a leader...people just can't stopo...they think they have done something, that they have done their best but it's enver enough they have to keep pushing themselves until their bloodi is a tidal wave that can stop anything.
the government doesn't need to fool us, we have sex and television to distract us, books written by people just like us distract us. don't blame it on big business, we participate as much as anyone else, as much as any ceo. there is still too much quarreling among ourselves, too much talk of what did who to whom and all that jazz. who wants any of that, people wouldn't do it if they didn't enjoy it on some bizarre level, like anal xsex.
once i get to chicago, who will kill me?
i'm sorry this doesn't recount all the stupid crap i do...i'm sorry i don't tell you want bands i went to see or what sort of alcohol i drink. I don't want to be an episode of will and grace...i'd much rather be something noone wants to watch. I don't' want to be the next three's company or cheers. i'd rather bite your lip off when i kissed you. i'll be the one to swallow it. you won't be able to sew it back on will you?
even you, you who seem the most intereting, the ones who would seem to be my martyrs and generals are the ones buying bud light and making sure to own the newest most thought provoking dvd.....what? it was all a dream!??? I had better run by the movie right now it's........innovative!
my fucking ass
oh no, you almost got fired from work!??? god forbid you should have to change your perceptions to fit something else.... it would be far too much work.
i've picked up hitchikers before, have you? what are you afraid of?
how much long er will this go on, will i go on until my fingers are numb. i've done it enough to make my tongue go numb, to make my neck hurt and it makes not difference either way. how about your feelings, do you even have any that aren't obvious? can you be subtle, can you be an 15th century portrait of a woman bathing or a gigantic statue of pencil?
did y ou make it this far? could you keep reading? did i not keep it short enough for you, did i not talk about things that interested you, is it too hard to stare into the sun?
i'm done now, but i'm coming back and i'll make it worse for everyone
Saturday, August 23, 2003
i finally slept for more than five hours at a time last night. it was great, except that it actually turned out to be about 12 hours of sleep. and yet i still woke up groggy...how about that?
I stole a book, ham on rye, by charles bukowski. i read it in about 2 days, which is really unusual for me. it is one of my favorite books. i just devoured it. it was delicious.
felt disapointed about not going out last night. i wanted to, wanted to make people watch that video for aphex twin.
and now for some reason, i am happy with my life. items in my life seem pretty okay. just have to get my liscense and deal with courts, then i'm out of here! woohoo! yahhoo! yippy wawa!
i am going to start riding my bike 6 miles a day
and playing drums for an hour a day
the book made me feel tough. i know what i can do now. i know i've already become a writer and that's the life my body has been living witout my brain even deciding to do so.
damn family functions, have to shower. must go to the city. i don't know if you will read this jez, but i plan on being around tonight. i'll be crazy and loud, just goofing around. i'll try not to be as fake as i usually am.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
8:44AM
i feel like an ape sitting here at the computer, like my ape-fringers are far to big to press the keeys properly.
jez, you were right, i was thinking of a different post, i can't hardly remember typing up the most recent one.
my horrible sunburn is almost gone. thank god, it sure was annoying....
and yess i suppose i am still alive. even though my tping and writing skills ahve gone completely out of the window.
i love the new zelda, i want to get a tattoo of the new link on my arm,
i have finally purged myself i think. i had to lock myself in my room and puke myself until my eyes almost fell out but i'm pretty sure it's done.
its' tooo early to be creative, so back to zelda, good morning all
Thursday, August 7, 2003
6:27AM
i'll cry for you when i'm dead
i have been saving up my emotions and letting them loose on people i love, quite terrible really.
had to drive my sister to the emergency room two times this week.
keep making plans for the future and for right now, ones that are odd and I can't explain. i'm supposed ot see people today but my emotions keep running out on me and i can't get them back. i need a new alternator.
my nerves are broken and strummed. i can not takeeven a little bi of stupidity. what makes it worse is that i find myself being more stupid than usual around people. certain people.
I'd grab your throat you'd bust my chin.
come on, take my hand we'll play donkey kong all night.
you are far truer than she ever was, i can see evolution and skies and death
what a rotten world it is because there isn't anyone out there that evolved
from a fish
we all got to make our own choices about whether to be fish or fowl
can't help the people who need it and only the peope who are okay
are given a loud stupid voice
cried reading what you wrote not at me so it's not your fault but i know you're hurt
i'll do the best i can and i realize that i had a hand in it
just exist and we'll take care of everything
i'm starting to build a resistance
an underground, ready to fight and get rid of tha tfeeling where you don't even want to exist or you want to be
able to freeze.
we just need some time and we'll get it together
these things take time
let me be god and let me love you
noone will ever know anyone
i want to cry all day and if i have to leave my house again it's going to be to kill someone
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
i've never seen a more sorry acting bunch. if i ever saw something i really wanted i would take it. just because there is hardly anything worth taking in this world means nothing. you should still take the things you want and not complaing and moan about it as you sit in your room and touch yourself
Monday, July 21, 2003
felt so lonley on saturday night at my sister's house
the need to fall asleep with someone grows.
hopefully can get out and do something tonight with someone. too bad there are other things going on for other people....
Friday, July 18, 2003
now i'm back, couldn't find pepto, only tums. ate about 12.
tomorrow before chicago I am going to play drums until my arms are twice their size.
god i have to smoke soon. haven't smoked pot in a month or so. i've lost interest pretty much. where as alcohol is my new best friend. otis here i come.
I have wanted to fall asleep with someone for this last week. someone new is all, no offenze jez, you know i love you. i'm starving and dehydrating for something again that I"m not gettting. I'd suck on sand if i thought it would help.
it would explain why my throat was so dry.
i want to smoke my unfiltered cigarettes and listen to screamin' jay hawkins my musical hero. the energy has all gotten out of my arms, i can't type fast or correctly anymor.e I'll sign off for now. i just thought i would try and post to balance the 2 short posts before all these. goodnight
Current music: Pretty Girls Make Graves - Speakers Push Air
i hate you because she is like my little sister and I take care of my family when i can see the pain that it could cause.
my stomach feels like it wants to implode. I do think that i have ulcers sometimes because i keep everything inside.
once i move i'll be drunk all the time
i'll have to deal wqith the craszinness on my own and it will take a lot of sometthing outside
that i can put inside to make things even
grasping my blindfold and putting my sword over my eyes
there are new things that need to come out of my things that can bring comfort to soone who needs it
not people who take advantage of the comfort people
who don't know what a real hurt is and take everything for granted.
they get to partake in our pain and take it is their's when they have no right. the insane
ned to revolt
take back what is theirs, don't let the industries put
our minds out there to be judged and four starred
we'll slam the book shut in their face and slam it back in
our portfolio
walk off in a huff
get naked and go back to the bottle and talk about
our hate that has grown so big
i quite like that. I don't care what others think, jez hasn't really liked what i have written recently. oh well, the hell with you all!
all this has to go in here otherwise it will start coming out of my mouth. with vomit, literally, i feel so sick right now. stupid pizza.
I'll eat chalk out of the white cliffs of dover right now if i could
I need a fight so bad, but saturday is the night that's alright for fighting
because tonight there's gonna b e ajailbreak
have to stop again for a second
Current music: Pretty Girls Make Graves - Speakers Push Air
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